These are the...wonderful jokes that have been submitted via my website help contact form.


How do you keep your dog from barking in the front yard?

Put him in the back yard. :)

- from R. H.


A man's dog swallows some coins. Concerned, even though the dog seems fine, the man takes his dog to the vet who suggests that the dog spend the night for observation.

Next morning the man calls the vet to inquire about his dog's health.

The vet replies, "No change".

- from N.K.


What did the '0'' say to the 8?

Nice belt!!

- from J.F.


There once was a girl who said she was going to land on the sun.

Her teacher heard her plans and said "you can't do that, you will burn up!"

The girl said "I am going to go at night, duh."

- from S.G.



What do you call a fish missing an eye?


-from E.R.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!

-from T.H.

[this was sent along with a website question]  
I won't make you SULFUR through any of my bad chemistry jokes.  Zinc you for the help.

-from L.D. 


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

-from E.Z.

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogy into it!

-from L.S. 

A customer walks into a pizza place and orders a medium pizza. The cashier asks if the customer would like the pizza cut in 6 or 8 slices. The customer says "6 please, there is no way I could eat 8." 

-from J.W.

Two people were walking along. One asked the other, "Which do you think is closer, the moon or Florida?" The other one said, "Duh the moon! Can you see Florida?"

-from K.B.

Q: How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

A: Poke her face

-from D.A.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean Beef

- from L.P.  



why are teachers cool?

they always have class.

-from T.S.

Is it, 'The egg yolks are white?' or 'The egg yolks is white?'


The egg yolks are yellow. :)



Why did the clock get sick?

It didn't wash its hands.

-from S.T.


Q: What flower talks the most?

A: Tulips

-from C.M.



Q: Where does a general keep his army?

A: Up his sleeve-y!

-from D.N. (yup)


What kind of dog does Dracula have? A Bloodhound!!

What do skeletons order at restaurants? Spare ribs!!

 - both from M.B.



What did one math book say to the other math book?

I have a lot of problems =(

-from M.V.

What's the formula for water? 

H I J K L M N O. 


Teacher said it was H to O.

-from S.M.

Q: Why did the boy eat his math homework?

A: Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

-from K.O.

What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin "sea"

-from L.C.

Why didn't the bicycle make it up the hill?   Because  it was TWO tired

-from S.M.

What do you call two banana peels?

.....A pair of slippers

-from G.S.

What happens if you throw your white hat into the Red Sea?

It gets wet.

-from S.P.

What kind of fish cost the most?
-from C.H.

A horse walks into a cafe. The barista asks, "Why the long face?"

-from C.T.

Why don't monsters like to eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

-from E.C.

RIDDLE:  There's a green house.  Inside the green house is a white house.  Inside the white house is a red house.  Within the red house are little annoying black and white babies.  What is this??

Highlight to see answer: A watermelon!

-from K.B., attributed to a clever 7-year-old!

What did the triangle say to the circle?

You're pointless....

-from L.N.

What do you call a giant pile of cats?

A meowntain

-from S.J.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
And his cows preferred Moo-zak.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

-all from A.B.

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

He did not see well.

- from C.L.